TEXAS CHAINSAW (2012)
Dir. John Luessenhop 92 mins
UK Release: 27th May 2013
While I hold Tobe Hooper’s 1974 ‘Texas Chain Saw Massacre’ in the highest possible regard, I must admit I overlooked the sequels a little, and totally rejected (perhaps unfairly) the Michael Bay produced reboots. Now, having been released from the evil clutches of Platinum Dunes it’s found a new home at Millennium Films.
My ears pricked up in the first minute as we begin with a recap of the original movie. I thought this is either a very bold move, or a very stupid one. When you begin your sequel by reminding everybody just how phenomenal the first one was, you’re setting your own bar very high indeed. As the first original scene opens we find both Bill Moseley and Gunnar Hansen (another deep nod of respect to the filmmakers) as members of the Sawyer clan who just after Sally has escaped are holed up in their house, surrounded by Texas lawmen and town locals hell bent on becoming vigilantes. A firefight ensues and every member of the Sawyer family is gunned down – except that is for a baby…
Fast forward to present day and we find Heather (Alexandria Daddario), the said baby, who we discover is 1) working in the butchery department of her local supermarket, 2) being told she is adopted and 3) is for some reason not forty years of age. Gaping plot holes aside, Heather discovers she has inherited an estate in the middle of Texas. Before you have time to oil your chainsaw she’s heading south in a VW camper van with a motley crew of phenomenally good looking friends. Along the way the ubiquitous hitchhiker is picked up, and the mansion that Heather is due to inherit is arrived upon.
As the friends note the absence of supplies they head into town to acquire some consumables, leaving the stranger they picked up alone in the multi-million dollar mansion that’s filled with priceless antiques. Predictably he begins to fill his bags with all the silver candlesticks he can find, and searching deeper into the house he stumbles across the cellar where surely there couldn’t be a stocky, human-skin faced member of the Sawyer family left alive – could there ?
High hopes for this new TCM disintegrated to ashes barely ten minutes in. It attempts to pitch itself as the first true sequel to Hooper’s original, which is just fine if it seamlessly continues from the first in both style and substance. It doesn’t though, and instead just becomes another crappy reboot that serves only to pander to the airbrushed artificial needs of the target ADHD demographic.
3 out of 10