out Feb 17th (Lionsgate)
Director: Robert Rodriguez
Starring: Danny Trejo, Amber Heard, Sofia Vergara, Michelle Rodriguez plus loads more famous actors
Plot: Machete (Trejo) returns to seek vengeance on those who have done some horrible deed. Machete and Sartana (Jessica Alba) try to stop a Mexican drug cartel from buying weapons from the US military. Discovering what appears to be a WMD, Sartana is blasted with a laser gun by a masked man, who promptly runs away when the US police arrive. Machete is wrongly arrested for Sartana’s death but is eventually given a ‘free pass’ by the President of the United States (played by ‘Carlos Estevez’ in his big screen ‘debut’). The Prez wants Machete to help stop a man named Mendez (Demain Bichir) who has a nuclear missile that he will fire if the US government don’t assist in stopping all the drug cartels. If Machete does this, he will be granted American citizenship, no questions asked (“None of that hand on bible bullshit” to quote the president). And so Machete goes on another bonkers, all out, action adventure that doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘restraint’…
For those who ‘get’ the charm of Machete Cortez this movie will be an absolute joy. For those that don’t, you may enjoy the countless scantily clad women (or not even that). Machete Kills is one hell of a ride either way.
It starts on a hilarious note with a ‘preview’ for a future Machete sequel titled, rather amusingly, ‘Machete Kills Again…in Space’. Many consider a film franchise having a sequel set in space to be a sign that the producers or studio of said franchise have ran out of ideas. Leprechaun in Space, Critters 4, Jason X and Hellraiser: Bloodline all fall into this trap. But with the Machete character ‘jumping the shark’ is part of the lure and going into space seems like a perfect match for Trejo’s role. The ‘trailer’ features plenty of jokes that will have many laughing within seconds. The best being the announcement that a shoddy looking robot named Bleep will be played by ‘Justin Bieber’. Bleep is promptly destroyed by Machete.
The film itself is not afraid to hold back as it’s often flimsy plot is supported (or greatly enhanced to some) by the usual gore and over-the-top kills. One man has his intestines ripped out of his stomach by Machete and flung into the spinning rotor blades of a helicopter. This causes the rest of his guts to be whipped out of him and wrapped around the blades, yanking him into them and the hapless guy is splattered to pieces. Vergara (of Modern Family fame) is a whorehouse owner named Desdemona who is one of the many trying to kill Machete. She often attempts this by firing knives and bullets from her breasts thanks to her various deadly bra’s. Later she fires from a strap-on gun by thrusting her crotch.
Speaking of breasts, the many shapely women, who wear very little, all fall over themselves to try to have sex with Machete. Miss San Antonio (Heard) gladly jumps on him for a good time which prompts text to flash on-screen advising viewers to put on their 3D glasses (obviously none of the movie is in 3D). Heard, as the beauty queen with a dark side, is stunning with her long flowing blonde hair and pout. Vergara will have many staring at her boobs for the already mentioned reasons (although some viewers would have looked anyway as they are hard to miss). Vanessa Hudgens, of High School Musical fame, is more eye candy. Lady Gaga is also in the movie but her involvement is kept to a minimum, thankfully.
The end of Machete Kills feels as if Robert Rodriguez is trying to see how bonkers he can take his creation. The site of Machete riding a nuclear weapon feels like it is some sort of phallic symbolism that is to illustrate that Machete has a massive penis and is therefore extremely manly and cool (as if this movie and its original can’t make it any clearer that Machete does indeed have a big trouser snake due to his woman shagging, bad guy killing ways). The end also takes the viewer back to ‘Machete Kills Again…in Space’ which must mean Rodriguez feels its ready to take the cliché one step further.
Over the top mindless violence, one-dimensional stereotypes and bimbo women all in one movie that actually works despite its un-PC feel. Yet isn’t that the whole point of a Machete film?
8 out of 10.
Extras include a brief message from ‘Carlos Estevez’, a brief feature on Robert Rodriguez and interviews with various cast and crew members.