Crying Wolf (2015) Review

Crying-WolfTitle: Crying Wolf

Directed by: Tony Jopia

Written by: Andy Davie, Michael Dale, Tony Jopia

Starring: Caroline Munro, Joe Egan, Kristofer Dayne

Running time: 91 Minutes

UK release: – ?

What do we need more of?

Sex?

Drugs?

Reese’s™ Peanut Butter Cups?

Clearly the one thing we do not need is another horror-comedy, as proven by Crying Wolf directed by Tony Jopia, who brought us  ‘DEADTIME’ , ‘Zombie Harvest’.

The story opens in the small village of ‘Deddington’ (Geddit? Deddington? Dead-ington? HAHAHAHAHA No). The village is being terrorised by some Unknown Wild Animal and the Police have no idea what’s going on. Of course.

Cue an unnamed, mysterious private eye searching for his colleague, who vanished under strange circumstances while investigating the disappearance of a local girl. Luckily for the viewer, the plucky PI even comes with his own horribly modulated voiceover, languishing somewhere between Darth Vader and Batman.

cryingwolf2After assaulting a local second-hand bookseller, he retreats to a pub to look through a particularly ancient tome. As a side note, I’m pretty sure he murdered an old woman to acquire it. Not cool.

Upon opening the volume, his oxygen-deprived voiceover begins telling us the tale of a pack of werewolves, getting ready to go on holiday.

It’s a story within a story.

The pack, led by Milly (Gabriela Hersham) soon bite off more than they can chew, with Camp Guides Rickie and Charlie as well as a pair of enterprising hitchhikers.

‘So Elliot, why are you so vehemently against this movie?’

Well dear reader, I shall start at the beginning.

The film opens with a series of spliced-together news reports, detailing the broad strokes of the attacks. Okay, we’ve seen this at the beginning of nearly every creature-feature ever made, but we can roll with it.

Then come the clichés. A suspiciously hairy customer in the bookshop has a creepy conversation, topped by a purchase price of £6.66. DUN DUN DUUUUUUN.

cryingwolf1But Wait! There’s More!

The acting is so wooden that it would make Keira Knightly cringe inwardly. I mean seriously, Robots would display more humour, and probably have better delivery as well.

What about the plot? Okay, we have the story within a story. But then there’s a story in that story. But don’t worry, we soon go back to the second story in order to cut into a fourth story and so on and so forth.

And the special effects-OH GOD THE SPECIAL EFFECTS.

I’ll admit, I am a fan of physical SFX. Sam Raimi’s rubbers masks in ‘Drag Me to Hell’, the head-sloughing scene in ‘Poltergeist’, there is so much lost charm in Latex and Modelling clay.

But there is not a single positive point about the effects here. Cheap rubber wolf suits are embellished by crappy CGI in post and it just makes me sad.

But it isn’t just the wolves-the blood and (in one scene) the flesh eating ants are so badly done that the film would be better off without it. Seriously. Having these people flailing around for no reason would give us something to laugh at.

So let’s summarise; an overly convoluted plot brought even lower by unfocused direction, clunky action and poor effects.

cryingwolf3‘But Elliot, isn’t there a single redeeming feature?

Actually, yes there is.

In what Scientists are describing as ‘pretty weird’, this film has the best opening credits I’ve ever seen in indie horror. They are SERIOUSLY good.

Now do not be deterred-I want you to watch this movie. That way, at least lots of other people will waste two hours of their lives, and I won’t be alone in my misery.

2/10

Elliot Garlick

About Elliot Garlick

Elliot is a student living and studiously not-working in Crewe. Usually to be found in a corner reading or watching a film, he also writes occasionally, contributing to four or five different blogs under the name ‘Mancunian Elliot’ in order to keep himself flush with Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. His first real memory of films is a scene in Mad Max where a trucker burns to death, from when he was about six.
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